new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
