it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
