I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
