life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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