I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
