I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
