as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
