my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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