Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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