my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
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