I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
