Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
