Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
