My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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