My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
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