i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
