my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So much rum. So many feels.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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