If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
