I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
