I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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