True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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