to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
