I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
