I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
