i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize