11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
it hurts more in the daytime
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
