Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
