Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
