i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
