I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize