The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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