I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
