In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
