my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
