Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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