Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
