The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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