Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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