I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
