8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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