and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
