I wish I could punch you in the face.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
