i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
