Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
