So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
