True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
