I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
