I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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