Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
