Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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