pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
