I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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