i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
