before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize