So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
