Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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