I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
