You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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