He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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