Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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