we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
