HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
