i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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