Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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