smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm gonna fight the coyote
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
