did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
is it fun? or sober?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
