if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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